Ok I wasnt going to write a follow up blog to my last one but I have had a few reoccuring questions about it so I thought I would explain more on here.
When it comes to telling the police you need proper, fresh evidence. On the night of November that I blogged about I was at a party and in a house that I couldnt leave until morning as I had no way to get home. The only thing I could really do was clean myself up and wait until morning before I could leave. Sadly that ruined any evidence of the attack with the exception of witnesses of both of us being missing from the party at the same time. This person had also been reported to the police in the past for touching girls and managed to get away with it due to his family providing him with alibis and bailing him out. I would just be portrayed as a slut who had had too much to drink. (I was only slightly tipsy btw not drunk).
And in relation to questions about his whereabouts, he is in Belfast at the moment. He has taken to moving between here and the USA and after the event in November he moved over to the USA for a few months. During that time he got in trouble with the police and another girl but he managed to escape charges, again. I still keep track of him because I like to know if he is in Ireland or not so I dont have to worry about running into him.
I'm really sorry that I didnt tell anyone sooner but I simply couldnt. Even if I was frightened of speaking out I also had myself to deal with. It was difficult to think about, let alone talk about. The one or two people who I told know exactly how difficult it was. The mention of it out loud sent me into tremors and I had to inform them of the rest of my story in writing. It was impossible to talk about in person. I suffered from flash backs and I found being touched or having sexual comments made towards me very difficult to deal with. I found emotions difficult and even letting other people close to me was impossible.
For those of you who dont know I suffer from type 1 bipolar disorder and during this time my mood spiraled into a very severe depression. I didnt really eat or sleep and basically refused to get out of bed or the sofa every day. My manic episodes were filled with flashbacks and irritably. I wasnt very pleasant to live with and I remained that way until after Christmas and around February.
There is an upside to all this though. I am fine now. I managed to recover, very slowly but I managed. One of the first things I did to help that process was cut off my once long red hair and dye it back to my natural dark brown. It is a simple thing but after having my abuser tell me how much he loved my hair and he pulled it regulary, I was more than happy to be rid of it. So I tied it in a pony tail one day and simply cut it off myself. I've had it styled since then but that was the beginning. I also added more piercings to my collection in a small attempt to claim my body back for myself. I wasnt allowed too many peircings before. I've also learned that I can have emotions for other people. I didnt think that would be possible to get back. I even managed to quit self harming, which has been a secret vice of mine for the last three years or so to help me deal with what was happening. I figured that if a certain person ever saw me with cuts after all of this he would win somehow. So I quit and the scars are fading.
I'll always feel grateful for that person who had to put up with me through out those months. She gave me something to get out of bed for and kept me company via phone for entire days. She even helped me over come my problems with being touched and even though we're not in a relationship any more I'll always feel grateful for everything because if it wasnt for her I would probably still be a depressed mess who is living on their sofa in their dressing gown. She taught me what I relationship is supposed to be like and that I was worth someone's time and effort.
I know that is a bit of a sappy ending but this is more of a documentation of my recovery process over the last seven months and that is part of it. No one needs to worry about me any more due to the things I mentioned in my previous blog. It's over. It is done with. I have a new life and I'm fixed. I just needed to write another blog on this subject in case some of you think that I am still depressed and crazy over it. I assure you I am not. This is just telling the story of the aftermath.
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