Ok I wasnt going to write a follow up blog to my last one but I have had a few reoccuring questions about it so I thought I would explain more on here.
When it comes to telling the police you need proper, fresh evidence. On the night of November that I blogged about I was at a party and in a house that I couldnt leave until morning as I had no way to get home. The only thing I could really do was clean myself up and wait until morning before I could leave. Sadly that ruined any evidence of the attack with the exception of witnesses of both of us being missing from the party at the same time. This person had also been reported to the police in the past for touching girls and managed to get away with it due to his family providing him with alibis and bailing him out. I would just be portrayed as a slut who had had too much to drink. (I was only slightly tipsy btw not drunk).
And in relation to questions about his whereabouts, he is in Belfast at the moment. He has taken to moving between here and the USA and after the event in November he moved over to the USA for a few months. During that time he got in trouble with the police and another girl but he managed to escape charges, again. I still keep track of him because I like to know if he is in Ireland or not so I dont have to worry about running into him.
I'm really sorry that I didnt tell anyone sooner but I simply couldnt. Even if I was frightened of speaking out I also had myself to deal with. It was difficult to think about, let alone talk about. The one or two people who I told know exactly how difficult it was. The mention of it out loud sent me into tremors and I had to inform them of the rest of my story in writing. It was impossible to talk about in person. I suffered from flash backs and I found being touched or having sexual comments made towards me very difficult to deal with. I found emotions difficult and even letting other people close to me was impossible.
For those of you who dont know I suffer from type 1 bipolar disorder and during this time my mood spiraled into a very severe depression. I didnt really eat or sleep and basically refused to get out of bed or the sofa every day. My manic episodes were filled with flashbacks and irritably. I wasnt very pleasant to live with and I remained that way until after Christmas and around February.
There is an upside to all this though. I am fine now. I managed to recover, very slowly but I managed. One of the first things I did to help that process was cut off my once long red hair and dye it back to my natural dark brown. It is a simple thing but after having my abuser tell me how much he loved my hair and he pulled it regulary, I was more than happy to be rid of it. So I tied it in a pony tail one day and simply cut it off myself. I've had it styled since then but that was the beginning. I also added more piercings to my collection in a small attempt to claim my body back for myself. I wasnt allowed too many peircings before. I've also learned that I can have emotions for other people. I didnt think that would be possible to get back. I even managed to quit self harming, which has been a secret vice of mine for the last three years or so to help me deal with what was happening. I figured that if a certain person ever saw me with cuts after all of this he would win somehow. So I quit and the scars are fading.
I'll always feel grateful for that person who had to put up with me through out those months. She gave me something to get out of bed for and kept me company via phone for entire days. She even helped me over come my problems with being touched and even though we're not in a relationship any more I'll always feel grateful for everything because if it wasnt for her I would probably still be a depressed mess who is living on their sofa in their dressing gown. She taught me what I relationship is supposed to be like and that I was worth someone's time and effort.
I know that is a bit of a sappy ending but this is more of a documentation of my recovery process over the last seven months and that is part of it. No one needs to worry about me any more due to the things I mentioned in my previous blog. It's over. It is done with. I have a new life and I'm fixed. I just needed to write another blog on this subject in case some of you think that I am still depressed and crazy over it. I assure you I am not. This is just telling the story of the aftermath.
Saturday, 28 July 2012
Thursday, 26 July 2012
The End of My Silence.
Ok I wasnt sure whether to make these things public or not. I have only shared them with a small handful of people but after reading the story about Savannah Dietrich and her rape I felt inspired to share my story, not just for me but to let others know that there is someone like this out there. I'm not the only one who has suffered under this person either. I have never shared these details due to this person threatening me with both physical harm, being sued and their very chavy, thug family. His name his James William Harris. He is my ex-boyfriend, and before anyone thinks I am a crazy ex who is trying to get back at someone months later I can assure you that I am not. I have the scars and witnesses to prove it. I am perfectly alright with dealing with breakups, I've had a few and I am rather mature when it comes to dealing with them. I wont just tell my story, I'll share what he has done to others as well.
I was in a relationship with him for seven years and over that time I suffered extensive abuse which was psychological, physical and sexual. I wasnt allowed to see my friends (if any of my uni mates are reading this it is the reason why I havent really been out with you guys until recently), I would have my phone confiscated from me the moment I was in the house, I wasnt allowed to wear certain items of clothing, I wasnt allowed to go more than a few hours without talking to him, I was accused of sleeping with my friends and random strangers, I was called names ranging from bitch to things like cunt or slut, he would try to stop me from seeing my family and tell me lies about my friends and family to make me angry at them so I wouldnt want to talk to them any more, he wouldnt let me get medical treatment and would tell me that my mental illness was just something I made up to make him feel guilty for how he treated me. When my rabbit died he told me "you expect me to care about your pain? It was just a pet it isnt like you lost a child". I would be expected to make his dinner every day and if I had to spend a day with my family he would claim to be starving to death because I wasnt there to feed him. I wasnt allowed to leave the bedroom while he was talking to people in other rooms of the house and I failed several uni exams because he wouldnt let me study. I had to do uni work in his presance and still be expected to make his food and give sex on demand.
As well as that list of emotional things I was subject to: being choked with a chain, being cornered and threatened to be punched in the face, having his initials carved into my stomach, being tied up & left on the floor, having my clothes cut up, having my hair pulled, he sprained my wrist, slapped me across the face and having my shoulder sprained from being twisted behind my back.
I dont want to go into too much detail about the sexual abuse. I hate doing it but since I was inspired to do this by the story of a rape victim I think I might share some of it, but not in graphic detail. While with him I was expected to have sex, whether i wanted to or not. He's even done it while I was asleep. I can officially say that I have been raped that many times that even being touched today makes me mentally shut off and "go to my happy place". The worst case was on Saturday the 5th of November 2011. I was at a friends party and me and him were already split up and he had a new girlfriend. Because he had someone I didnt mind sharing that I liked someone and that I was thinking about asking them out. A few hours later I went to the bathroom and while I was washing my hands he came in and told me that he wanted me and that it would be his last chance before I got someone else. I told him no and that i didnt like him in that way and I reminded him that he had a girlfriend. That didnt matter. I was taken by force and I couldnt scream as he threatened to hit me and I didnt want my friend finding me in such a position. He admitted days afterward that what he did was wrong and I was threatened to keep my mouth shut, it has tormented me ever since, I even get flash backs and I have no evidence to report it to any one. I only have scars from the physical abuse.
I know a lot of you are going to wonder why I put up with such abuse before he kicked me out but it is hard to explain, if anyone has went through an abusive relationship before you will understand what I mean. It is almost impossible to get away.
This isnt just about me. I'm not the only one and I wont give out the names of the other people. But I'll give you a list with nicknames of people he has hurt that I have witnessed or heard about.
Con guy: This person was a man that my ex met at a convention. He was gay and James flirted with him, kissed him and led him on to the point that this man broke up with his boyfriend for him. After he destroyed that relationship James told him that he really didnt have feelings for him and that he was only messing around.
Internet girl: This woman was american, married and had children. She met James through rping and he started flirting with her. The two then started to form an online relationship and he even told her that he loved her and the two exchanged sexual images etc. He did this only so she would send him things he wanted off ebay and amazon, which he convinced her to order for him. He had her so infatuated with him that she did was she was told and spent hundreds of dollars on him. She even left her husband as she claimed to be that in love with James. He then just stopped talking to her.
Model(s): Over his time as a photographer there have been several models who have came forward and accused him of touching them inappropriately and making unprofessional comments to them while on photo-shoots.
Girl: This one happened at a party where he pinned her to a bed and told her that she is only gay because she hasnt had good enough sex with a man. She shoved him off but she was shaken up.
Others: I've also heard stories, from him, that he has been accused of other indecient things with women and girls to the point of being questioned by the police.
I am not making these things public as revenge of any kind. I personally believe that success and happiness is the best kind of revenge, but I needed to share my story somewhere. It was building up inside me that I just had to let others know that there is someone out there who is like that. I am not being threatened into silence any longer. A person who does things like that shouldnt have a happy ever after while the people that they hurt are left hating themselves, frightened and dealing with the emotional trauma that comes with such abuse. I have to live with it every day. I wish I had left him a long time ago and I am stronger from what I have been through. No one should have to put up with such treatment and I am glad to say that I am mainly recovered from it. This is the last step. Breaking the silence.
I was in a relationship with him for seven years and over that time I suffered extensive abuse which was psychological, physical and sexual. I wasnt allowed to see my friends (if any of my uni mates are reading this it is the reason why I havent really been out with you guys until recently), I would have my phone confiscated from me the moment I was in the house, I wasnt allowed to wear certain items of clothing, I wasnt allowed to go more than a few hours without talking to him, I was accused of sleeping with my friends and random strangers, I was called names ranging from bitch to things like cunt or slut, he would try to stop me from seeing my family and tell me lies about my friends and family to make me angry at them so I wouldnt want to talk to them any more, he wouldnt let me get medical treatment and would tell me that my mental illness was just something I made up to make him feel guilty for how he treated me. When my rabbit died he told me "you expect me to care about your pain? It was just a pet it isnt like you lost a child". I would be expected to make his dinner every day and if I had to spend a day with my family he would claim to be starving to death because I wasnt there to feed him. I wasnt allowed to leave the bedroom while he was talking to people in other rooms of the house and I failed several uni exams because he wouldnt let me study. I had to do uni work in his presance and still be expected to make his food and give sex on demand.
As well as that list of emotional things I was subject to: being choked with a chain, being cornered and threatened to be punched in the face, having his initials carved into my stomach, being tied up & left on the floor, having my clothes cut up, having my hair pulled, he sprained my wrist, slapped me across the face and having my shoulder sprained from being twisted behind my back.
I dont want to go into too much detail about the sexual abuse. I hate doing it but since I was inspired to do this by the story of a rape victim I think I might share some of it, but not in graphic detail. While with him I was expected to have sex, whether i wanted to or not. He's even done it while I was asleep. I can officially say that I have been raped that many times that even being touched today makes me mentally shut off and "go to my happy place". The worst case was on Saturday the 5th of November 2011. I was at a friends party and me and him were already split up and he had a new girlfriend. Because he had someone I didnt mind sharing that I liked someone and that I was thinking about asking them out. A few hours later I went to the bathroom and while I was washing my hands he came in and told me that he wanted me and that it would be his last chance before I got someone else. I told him no and that i didnt like him in that way and I reminded him that he had a girlfriend. That didnt matter. I was taken by force and I couldnt scream as he threatened to hit me and I didnt want my friend finding me in such a position. He admitted days afterward that what he did was wrong and I was threatened to keep my mouth shut, it has tormented me ever since, I even get flash backs and I have no evidence to report it to any one. I only have scars from the physical abuse.
I know a lot of you are going to wonder why I put up with such abuse before he kicked me out but it is hard to explain, if anyone has went through an abusive relationship before you will understand what I mean. It is almost impossible to get away.
This isnt just about me. I'm not the only one and I wont give out the names of the other people. But I'll give you a list with nicknames of people he has hurt that I have witnessed or heard about.
Con guy: This person was a man that my ex met at a convention. He was gay and James flirted with him, kissed him and led him on to the point that this man broke up with his boyfriend for him. After he destroyed that relationship James told him that he really didnt have feelings for him and that he was only messing around.
Internet girl: This woman was american, married and had children. She met James through rping and he started flirting with her. The two then started to form an online relationship and he even told her that he loved her and the two exchanged sexual images etc. He did this only so she would send him things he wanted off ebay and amazon, which he convinced her to order for him. He had her so infatuated with him that she did was she was told and spent hundreds of dollars on him. She even left her husband as she claimed to be that in love with James. He then just stopped talking to her.
Model(s): Over his time as a photographer there have been several models who have came forward and accused him of touching them inappropriately and making unprofessional comments to them while on photo-shoots.
Girl: This one happened at a party where he pinned her to a bed and told her that she is only gay because she hasnt had good enough sex with a man. She shoved him off but she was shaken up.
Others: I've also heard stories, from him, that he has been accused of other indecient things with women and girls to the point of being questioned by the police.
I am not making these things public as revenge of any kind. I personally believe that success and happiness is the best kind of revenge, but I needed to share my story somewhere. It was building up inside me that I just had to let others know that there is someone out there who is like that. I am not being threatened into silence any longer. A person who does things like that shouldnt have a happy ever after while the people that they hurt are left hating themselves, frightened and dealing with the emotional trauma that comes with such abuse. I have to live with it every day. I wish I had left him a long time ago and I am stronger from what I have been through. No one should have to put up with such treatment and I am glad to say that I am mainly recovered from it. This is the last step. Breaking the silence.